Stand Up: Part Two

Why I Stopped:

The list is long, and if I were to analyze each bullet point I would certainly find a healthy dose of bull shit reasoning behind several of these notions. But let's not waste time analyzing the past. It's so passé.

I quit stand-up comedy because...

• I'm not a night owl. I'm also surprisingly shy, so hanging out with strangers in a small room at the back of a night club at eleven o'clock at night while nervously awaiting my set was my own personal nightmare.
• Being an elementary school teacher, I could never commit to weeknight shows. Mama doesn't mess around on school nights.
• The energy it took to prep for a seven minute set was about a million times longer than seven minutes. Output/input people, output/input.
• I was doing "Bringer" shows. Those are shows that you book with a club manager because you're a decent comic, but more importantly, because you agree to "bring" a large group of friends to the show. I hated the pressure of having to drag my friends to come see me even more than I hated the fact that my friends had to schlep across Hollywood, pay $20 for parking and buy at least two over-priced and watered-down cocktails in order to show their support. That said, I have awesome friends, and I am eternally grateful for every ounce of schlepping that was done.
• This one is going to sound totally obnoxious, but it's the truth: I was sick of doing shows with people that weren't funny. I'm not saying I'm the next ________(fill in the blank with your favorite comedienne), but there's some crappy comedy out there, and this girl has her pride.
• And last but not least, I wasn't making any money doing it.  I know, I know, I'm not supposed to do it for the money but for the love. I agree with that sentiment to an extent.  I wasn't trying to be a millionaire, or even pay my bills. But I was at least hoping to (after time, energy and gas money) make a teensy-weensy profit, like, I don't know, enough cash to go to Target and buy a new scarf.  Never happened. 

So that's it folks. Next time I'll post about my plans to get back. I'm not sure stand-up is the route for me, but I know that slinging one-liners at my husband for the rest of my days can't be the extent of my comedy writing. If it is, I'm sure to become a sad, bitter woman (assuming I'm not one already). Tee hee.

~taylormade

Fun Fact Fridays: Witch's Milk!

mirror.co.uk

Years ago, while I was being babysat by a neighbor and her family, I witnessed a baby lactate. "Say what?!" you might be asking yourself. But yeah, tis true. This little baby, while lying on a bed, was being given a rub down with some sort of special oil, and as the grandmother passed the oil over her chest, milk came out of her nipples. Her grandmother then smoothed the secreted milk over the baby's skin with the remaining oil. She repeated these movements at least a dozen times, and each time her grandma hands passed over that little grand baby chest, milk came out. In my memory it looked like some sort of tribal ritual, but I'm pretty sure it was just a newborn getting a little smooth skin help courtesy of Johnson and Johnson. I never forgot that image growing up because I didn't believe what I was seeing. Milk coming from a baby's breasts?! Is it possible?

Wait for it...

It is! In fact, five percent of babies lactate! Neonatal Milk or "Witch's Milk" is milk produced by infants. It's brought on by breastfeeding and hormones. Aaah, hormones, they never cease to disappoint. Apparently this hormonal phase only lasts for a few months and, as previously mentioned, is very rare. But still - babies making breastmilk - pretty darn cray cray!

~taylormade

Stand Up: Part One

That's me - standing up!

I used to make comedy in various forms - stand up, improv, and a one person show. It's been months since I stepped on stage, and it saddens and confuses me that I've let so many moons come and go since my last performance. My stand up story is complicated, so I'll explain it in three posts, or parts - why I started, why I stopped and what comes next.

Part One: Why I Started...

I got into stand up because, like lots of actors, I couldn't get a decent audition. With no agent or manager I needed a way to be seen. So I took a class, booked a show and was on my way. My first show looked exactly like this:

click here for Taylor Parker Stand Up!

So that was the beginning. I made something I'm proud of, and I'd like to make some more. Tune in next time to get the juicy deets on why I stopped.
~taylormade

Fun Fact Fridays: Placenta Recipes!

got placenta smoothie?
mindthesciencegap.org

The baby isn't the only thing being made from scratch these days. I'm sure you've always known this (but like me, never really thought about it) but the placenta is the only organ that humans grow as adults. When we need one, we make one. Then we shed the organ when it's no longer needed! How incredibly efficient of our bodies to do so! But the fun doesn't stop there, homies. Many people believe that there are health benefits to consuming the placenta. I did a quick recipe search online and found a cocktail recipe, a torta recipe and something that vaguely resembled a bolognese. So break out the chianti and start shelling those fava beans. After baking low and slow for forty weeks your dinner is served!

15 Weeks: Waiting to Exhale

This is what 15 weeks looks like on my body. It basically looks like I've enjoyed one too many cupcakes (which I have). If I really let it all hang out it looks like I'm about six months pregnant (which I'm not), so these days I wear flowy tops to try and hide my curves - much like I have been for the past twenty years or so. I haven't gained any weight so far. In fact, I'm seven pounds lighter today than I was when I found out I was pregnant due to a summer full of morning (noon and night) sickness and food aversions. I'm lumpy, exhausted, gassy and bloated - but I'm here!

I've yet to wear something this fitted outside of the house. This red top from Liz Lange at Target is going to be my 'baby bump' top - for documentation purposes only...until I'm really showing.

If I really let it all hang out, it would look something like this...

From the side! Yikes! "When are you due?...March?!...Are you having triplets?!"  (That's what I imagine people will say to me if I wore this shirt in public.)

90% Baked Goods/10% Baby

Exhaling, big time. I can't wait to rock a real bump circa November 2013!

~taylormade

I Made This: Samoa Blondies!

I call these Samoa Blondies because they have the chocolatey, coconut-y, caramel-shortbread-cookie-y taste of a Girl Scout Cookie. I think they're perfectly sweet and perfectly simple, but if you really want to pump up the "Samoa" quotient then plop a few caramels on top of the batter before you pop it in the oven.  Oooh, girl...who do you think you are?!

SAMOA BLONDIES - A One Bowl Recipe (my favorite kind)
1 stick melted butter
1 c. brown sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 egg
1 c. flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 c. chocolate chips
1c. unsweetened shredded coconut

Pre-heat your oven to 350 and grease an 8x8 pan.
Melt the butter.
Whisk in the sugar and vanilla.
Add the egg and mix until incorporated.
Add flour and salt and mix until you have a beautiful blondie batter.
Fold in chocolate and coconut.
Spread the batter evenly into your pan.
Bake until golden brown and cooked through (about 30 minutes).

Enjoy!
~taylormade

Fun Fact Fridays: Egg-straordinary!

FUN FACT:

A female fetus begins to produce her own eggs during the second trimester in utero!

thetimes.co.uk

That means, if I'm carrying a girl, I'm carrying my unfertilized eggs as well as the unfertilized eggs of my (potential) grandchildren. It also means that this baby inside me was once an egg that was inside my mother!

Mind blown?! Yeah, me too!
~taylormade