Sunday, November 10, 2013

Confessions of a Lazy Dreamer

So yeah, this was a bad idea. Blogging five years ago was new and pedestrian. These days it's scarily professional, and people who have day jobs seem to somehow also have blogs that kick ass. This dawned on me about three weeks ago, and I haven't blogged since. Because I'm self-conscious, competitive and lazy - a triple threat, if you will.

I suck. I haven't posted a Fun Fact Friday in over a month. I haven't posted weekly pics that give updates on what size fruit the baby most resembles along with my cravings and weight gain stats, ala a chick like this:
I haven't been writing comedy. I've barely been baking, and it seems that when I do, I suck at it. I'm not going to even waste your time with the details of my Animal Cracker Sugar Cookies Fiasco or my Pumpkin Streusel Coffeecake Fail. Don't ask. The point is, I suck, I'm tired and I can't compete with the "Cup of Jo's" and the "Joy the Baker's" of the world. And that's okay. Because their are some people with real problems, and maintaining a super cool and widely popular blog isn't one of them. I'm old enough to know that perfection is not a reality. Sure, I could fool myself into imagining that I'm finally going to be the perfect woman. You know, the woman who wakes up at 4:00 am every morning to workout (running/weights and yoga, alternating days). Who is showered, exfoliated, moisturized and made up before the baby wakes. The woman who hand mashes her own organic baby food and sews her own bibs. Who works a nine hour day and still has energy at the end of it to cook, clean and be sexy all at the same time. You know, this woman:
I'm not Maria Kang, you know, the mom who posted this "What's Your Excuse Ad on her fitness website that some are saying is fat shaming? Yeah, I'm not her, and I'm okay with that. She doesn't look like she's the kind of person who enjoys delicious food or glutinous amounts of sleep, and I can't support that.
I could pretend I will magically become a perfect person, but why set myself up for failure? Instead, I'm going to commit to doing the best I can. End of story. Right now, the best I can do is check in with this blog every couple of weeks and throw a baby bump shot your way. You're fine with that, right? I mean after all, we're friends, and friends know that sometimes friends suck.

So here's what I got for now. I'm 23 weeks pregnant. The baby is the size of a large mango. I've recently felt his/her kicks and they bring me a ton of joy and a pinch of panic, like everything baby-related does these days. I've yet to gain a pound, although the baby is exactly the size she/he should be, thanks to my voluptuous figure - yay, fat stores! I crave juicy fruit (watermelon, grapes, pineapple) and fruity juice (100% Cherry mixed with sparkling water is my $*#t). I'm currently completely happy with my imperfections, because I know that this little bean is sprouting this very moment.
el bebe at 20 weeks!
What more could a lucky girl want? 
xoxo tay

Sunday, October 13, 2013

I Made This For You...

I'm such a horrible blogger. I've abandoned my post for far too many days since I began, and I have no excuse, except to say that I'm incredibly exhausted from growing a placenta, a human and soul inside my body (from scratch).

Speaking of making things from scratch... I made these Butterscotch Blondies from Clementine's just for you! Of course, you can't smell them or taste them, but it's the thought that counts...right? They don't contain any actual butterscotch, but the brown sugary-buttery taste makes it seem like they do. I made mine with pecans, but you can make yours however you like! The base of this blondie is a mother dough - add chocolate chips, cranberries, caramel, peanut butter, jam, pretzels, popcorn, graham cracker crumbs, marshmallow, streudel, pumpkin - the sky's the limit! Go crazy!

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

4th Trimester Bodies Project

The 4th Trimester Bodies Project is a photography series that uses mothers as subjects. If you or someone you know is a mommy, you too could be photographed for the series! Check it out!

Sunday, October 6, 2013

Maternity Jean is Not My Lover...
I had my first full-on, pre-natal, emotional breakdown today in a dressing room at Old Navy. I've been searching high and low for weeks for a pair of jeans that gracefully fit my plus-size and pregnant body, and I've come up short every time. In the weeks prior, it wasn't that big of a deal, because I still had my one pair at home that fit. But seemingly overnight my size 18 Target Merona Bootcut - my old faithful - are too tight. Even though I haven't gained an ounce over the last seventeen and a half weeks, the baby has (thank goodness) and my abdomen is beginning to protrude (again, thank goodness). The trouble is, I seem to be in between an 18 and a 20, and the maternity section at Target and Old Navy only goes up to 18. I know what you're thinking: "News flash, Taylor, there are other places to shop in the world besides Target and Old Navy", to wish I politely reply: "Not in my tax bracket". As a rule, I have a hard time spending more than thirty bucks on any one piece of clothing. And the fact that my maternity wear will be useless in six months makes my thirty dollar rule even more valid.
Is it be too much to ask to find these in the plus-size section - ooh, and ankle length, please.
The real issue here is that I screwed up. I should have thought ahead a year ago when I was living on caramel lattes and coffee cake. I should have imagined the day that I'd be shopping for maternity clothes and realized that I would not want to do so as a size 20. As I huffed and puffed trying to squeeze my meaty thighs into dark washed, panel jeans - breaking a mean sweat all the while - I couldn't stop the inner bitch inside me from scolding me for being such a fuck up. That's the narrative she barks every time: "You fucked up." Harsh, I know. See why I call her a bitch?
Three hours and one tearful therapy session with my husband later I can calmly declare that I'm fine. What's done is done. I can't undo the years of overeating and under-exercising. All I can do is breath deep, do right and stock up on yoga pants.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

17 Weeks: Baby Steppin' to the Bump

These days I'm feeling my size. I'm anxiously awaiting the day that I look pregnant, and not bloated. Like I said before, I'm about 90% baked goods and 10% baby, so I realize my body will not look like the models over at Pea in a Pod. Still, I want a big ole baby belly and I want it now!

My "B-Belly" is slight, but it's there. Notice the little dip where my belly button is. 

From the side, stickin' it way out. I have to remind myself that I don't have to suck in my stomach anymore. After being self-conscious about my body for over twenty years I've found that I have a tendency to suck in my abs and collapse my chest in order to look flatter.

Getting there...

Sunday, September 29, 2013

Stand Up: Part Two

Why I Stopped:

The list is long, and if I were to analyze each bullet point I would certainly find a healthy dose of bull shit reasoning behind several of these notions. But let's not waste time analyzing the past. It's so passé.

I quit stand-up comedy because...

  • I'm not a night owl. I'm also surprisingly shy, so hanging out with strangers in a small room at the back of a night club at eleven o'clock at night while nervously awaiting my set was my own personal nightmare.
  • Being an elementary school teacher, I could never commit to weeknight shows. Mama doesn't mess around on school nights.
  • The energy it took to prep for a seven minute set was about a million times longer than seven minutes. Output/input people, output/input.
  • I was doing "Bringer" shows. Those are shows that you book with a club manager because you're a decent comic, but more importantly, because you agree to "bring" a large group of friends to the show. I hated the pressure of having to drag my friends to come see me even more than I hated the fact that my friends had to schlep across Hollywood, pay $20 for parking and buy at least two over-priced and watered-down cocktails in order to show their support. That said, I have awesome friends, and I am eternally grateful for every ounce of schlepping that was done.
  • This one is going to sound totally obnoxious, but it's the truth: I was sick of doing shows with people that weren't funny. I'm not saying I'm the next ________(fill in the blank with your favorite comedienne), but there's some crappy comedy out there, and this girl has her pride.
  • And last but not least, I wasn't making any money doing it.  I know, I know, I'm not supposed to do it for the money but for the love. I agree with that sentiment to an extent.  I wasn't trying to be a millionaire, or even pay my bills. But I was at least hoping to (after time, energy and gas money) make a teensy-weensy profit, like, I don't know, enough cash to go to Target and buy a new scarf.  Never happened. 
So that's it folks. Next time I'll post about my plans to get back. I'm not sure stand-up is the route for me, but I know that slinging one-liners at my husband for the rest of my days can't be the extent of my comedy writing. If it is, I'm sure to become a sad, bitter woman (assuming I'm not one already). Tee hee.


Friday, September 27, 2013

Fun Fact Fridays: Witch's Milk!
Years ago, while I was being babysat by a neighbor and her family, I witnessed a baby lactate. "Say what?!" you might be asking yourself. But yeah, tis true. This little baby, while lying on a bed, was being given a rub down with some sort of special oil, and as the grandmother passed the oil over her chest, milk came out of her nipples. Her grandmother then smoothed the secreted milk over the baby's skin with the remaining oil. She repeated these movements at least a dozen times, and each time her grandma hands passed over that little grand baby chest, milk came out. In my memory it looked like some sort of tribal ritual, but I'm pretty sure it was just a newborn getting a little smooth skin help courtesy of Johnson and Johnson. I never forgot that image growing up because I didn't believe what I was seeing. Milk coming from a baby's breasts?! Is it possible?

Wait for it...

It is! In fact, five percent of babies lactate! Neonatal Milk or "Witch's Milk" is milk produced by infants. It's brought on by breastfeeding and hormones. Aaah, hormones, they never cease to disappoint. Apparently this hormonal phase only lasts for a few months and, as previously mentioned, is very rare. But still - babies making breastmilk - pretty darn cray cray!


Sunday, September 22, 2013

Stand Up: Part One

That's me - standing up!
I used to make comedy in various forms - stand up, improv, and a one person show. It's been months since I stepped on stage, and it saddens and confuses me that I've let so many moons come and go since my last performance. My stand up story is complicated, so I'll explain it in three posts, or parts - why I started, why I stopped and what comes next.

Part One: Why I Started...

I got into stand up because, like lots of actors, I couldn't get a decent audition. With no agent or manager I needed a way to be seen. So I took a class, booked a show and was on my way. My first show looked exactly like this:

click here for Taylor Parker Stand Up!

So that was the beginning. I made something I'm proud of, and I'd like to make some more. Tune in next time to get the juicy deets on why I stopped.

Friday, September 20, 2013

Fun Fact Fridays: Placenta Recipes!

got placenta smoothie?
The baby isn't the only thing being made from scratch these days. I'm sure you've always known this (but like me, never really thought about it) but the placenta is the only organ that humans grow as adults. When we need one, we make one. Then we shed the organ when it's no longer needed! How incredibly efficient of our bodies to do so! But the fun doesn't stop there, homies. Many people believe that there are health benefits to consuming the placenta. I did a quick recipe search online and found a cocktail recipe, a torta recipe and something that vaguely resembled a bolognese. So break out the chianti and start shelling those fava beans. After baking low and slow for forty weeks your dinner is served!

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

15 Weeks: Waiting to Exhale

This is what 15 weeks looks like on my body. It basically looks like I've enjoyed one too many cupcakes (which I have). If I really let it all hang out it looks like I'm about six months pregnant (which I'm not), so these days I wear flowy tops to try and hide my curves - much like I have been for the past twenty years or so. I haven't gained any weight so far. In fact, I'm seven pounds lighter today than I was when I found out I was pregnant due to a summer full of morning (noon and night) sickness and food aversions. I'm lumpy, exhausted, gassy and bloated - but I'm here!

I've yet to wear something this fitted outside of the house. This red top from Liz Lange at Target is going to be my 'baby bump' top - for documentation purposes only...until I'm really showing.

If I really let it all hang out, it would look something like this...

From the side! Yikes! "When are you due?...March?!...Are you having triplets?!"  (That's what I imagine people will say to me if I wore this shirt in public.)

90% Baked Goods/10% Baby

Exhaling, big time. I can't wait to rock a real bump circa November 2013!

Sunday, September 15, 2013

I Made This: Samoa Blondies!

I call these Samoa Blondies because they have the chocolatey, coconut-y, caramel-shortbread-cookie-y taste of a Girl Scout Cookie. I think they're perfectly sweet and perfectly simple, but if you really want to pump up the "Samoa" quotient then plop a few caramels on top of the batter before you pop it in the oven.  Oooh, girl...who do you think you are?!

SAMOA BLONDIES - A One Bowl Recipe (my favorite kind)
1 stick melted butter
1 c. brown sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 egg
1 c. flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 c. chocolate chips
1c. unsweetened shredded coconut

Pre-heat your oven to 350 and grease an 8x8 pan.
Melt the butter.
Whisk in the sugar and vanilla.
Add the egg and mix until incorporated.
Add flour and salt and mix until you have a beautiful blondie batter.
Fold in chocolate and coconut.
Spread the batter evenly into your pan.
Bake until golden brown and cooked through (about 30 minutes).


Friday, September 13, 2013

Fun Fact Fridays: Egg-straordinary!


A female fetus begins to produce her own eggs during the second trimester in utero!

That means, if I'm carrying a girl, I'm carrying my unfertilized eggs as well as the unfertilized eggs of my (potential) grandchildren. It also means that this baby inside me was once an egg that was inside my mother!

Mind blown?! Yeah, me too!

Thursday, September 12, 2013

It's a...?

*Before I post about the gender of the baby, please let me apologize for not posting my 14 week baby bump (if you can call it that). For some reason I can't seem to get blogger to load on my laptop, which means I can't upload pics... for now.

Anywho, let's talk about sex, baby! These days everyone who finds out I'm pregnant almost immediately asks 'what are you having?'. Well, I don't know what I'm having - and we aren't going to find out until that fateful day. Until then, let's play a game and see what tale those old wives tell:

Old Wives’ Tale #1 - Carrying High or Low?
If you are carrying low, it’s a boy, or if you’re carrying high it’s a girl. The Verdict: Too early to tell.

Old Wives’ Tale #2 – Is Your Skin Dry or Soft?
If your skin is dry, you’re said to be having a boy – and if it’s soft, then a girl is on the way. The Verdict: GIRL

Old Wives’ Tale #3 – What’s Baby’s Heart rate?
If the baby's heart rate is over 140 it's a girl. The Verdict: GIRL

Old Wives’ Tale #4 – Your Flowing Locks
Thick, shiny hair means you're having boy. Thin, dull hair means you're having a girl. The Verdict: BOY 

Old Wives’ Tale #5 – Where Are You Carrying Extra Weight?
Carrying extra weight at the front, then you’re having a boy… carrying extra weight on your bum and hips, then you have been carrying a girl. The Verdict: BOY

Old Wives’ Tale #6 – Numbers…
Combine your age at the time of conception with the number of the month you conceived and the resulting number is odd – then it’s a girl on the way. If the resulting number is even, it's a boy.The Verdict: GIRL (33 years old + a 6 for June = 39/odd)

Old Wives’ Tale #7 – Sweet, Salty or Sour?
Craving sweet foods like juice, fruits and chocolate? It's a girl. Craving sour or salty foods, then you could be having a boy. They also say that if you are having a boy, you will crave protein like meat and dairy. The Verdict: This is a tough one. I craved a ton of fruit, fruit juice and fruity candy in the first trimester, but I've been craving crunchy, briney, salty foods recently. I've also had an aversion to protein the whole time (along with coffee). The Verdict: BOY  - by a hair.

Old Wives’ Tale #8 -  Wedding Ring Test                 
You know the one. The Verdict: GIRL

Old Wives’ Tale #9 – Got Morning Sickness?
Did you experience morning sickness in early pregnancy? If you did, it's a girl. The Verdict: GIRL

Old Wives’ Tale #10 – How About Those Cold Feet?
If your feet get colder than they used to pre-pregnancy, it’s a sign you have a boy on the way. If your feet are the same, then it’s a girl! The Verdict: GIRL

Old Wives’ Tale #11 – How Do You Look...
Better than ever? Boy. You've seen better days? Girl. The Verdict: GIRL

Old Wives’ Tale #12– Linea Negra
Have a Linea Negra that goes all the way up your belly? Boy. One that stops short at your belly button means it's a girl. The Verdict: GIRL

Drumroll, please...According to a dozen wives tales IT'S A GIRL! I'll be sure to update this post in March of 2014. 

Saturday, September 7, 2013

Linea Nigra

An exciting new development sprouted on my body overnight. I have a linea nigra!
My line is faint, but it's only one day old. I'm sure it will get darker and more pronounced as the months go by.
According to science (also known as Wikipedia), the linea nigra is "a dark vertical line that appears on the abdomen during about three quarters of all pregnancies. The brownish streak is usually about a centimeter in width. The line runs vertically along the midline of the abdomen from the pubis to the umbilicus, but can also run from the pubis to the top of the abdomen."

My linea nigra runs from my belly button to my pubic area. I'd take a picture and share it with you, but I'm not putting my pubic area on the internet. Sorry gentlemen. Which would mean it would just be a pic of my lower abdomen - affectionately known as "my pooch". And no, I'm not putting a close up shot of my pooch online either. Sorry ladies.

The cool thing about the linea nigra is that it comes with an old wives tale about the sex of the baby. According to the wives tale, if the line goes from the pubis to the belly button, you're having a girl. If the line goes past your belly button and all the way up your abdomen, you're having a boy. If this tale rings true, I'm having a girl. Only time will tell!

Speaking of 'telling', did you have a linea nigra while pregnant? If so, does the wives tale ring true for you? Comment, please!


Friday, September 6, 2013


Being plus-size while pregnant isn't ideal. The usual pains that come with hauling a watermelon-sized uterus are typically already in place before a plus-size woman even finds herself pregnant. As a big girl I can tell you without any shame that my greatest obesity-related ailments are heel spurs, lower back pain, and more chafing than you can shake a stick at. (I never said this blog would be sexy). But the biggest bummer when you're a plus-size mama is the B-Belly.

A classic B-Belly, courtesy of

What's the B-Belly, you ask? It's the sillouette an overweight woman's stomach makes when she's pregnant. Most normal size women bloom into a lovely D-shaped belly, where as us big girls, with our layer upon layer of stored fat tend to make a B-shaped belly when our tummies finally "pop". I'm currently obsessed with Googling images of B-Bellies.

As of now, I haven't really grown forward, per se, more side to side.  My mid-section has thickened and I feel like I look like your average chubby woman. The good news is, for the first time in, like, forever, I don't see a big fat disappointment when I look in the mirror. I see a woman with a beautiful, efficient, natural, working body. I know my flaws are there, but I really don't give a shit. Those who know just how tormented I've been by my body and my issues surrounding food since the age of nine know just how revolutionary this is. And I have my unborn child to thank. This is the time of my life, and I know it. The only thing that can (and will) make it better is going from "average chubby woman" to "adorable pregnant lady". In due time, Tay Tay, in due time.
A gorgeous belly. I don't know this woman, but I'm pretty sure I hate her.  Just kidding. Girl Power. 

I plan on posting weekly belly pics beginning Tuesday (the official end of my first trimester, and the official beginning of my 15th week). Spoiler alert! I will look nothing like the crop-top rocking chick above. And that's okay.


Thursday, September 5, 2013

Let's Begin

Holy crap. I'm pregnant!

There's no other way to start a pregnancy blog other than by stating that I am incredibly thrilled, scared, gassy, exhausted, and over the mutha freakin' moon to be carrying this little bundle of joy in my little bundle of uterus.

That said, let's go a smidge back in time so that we're all caught up, shall we?

I'm Taylor... that's me, 31 years ago on the right. My husband is Adam... that's him, 35 years ago on the left. We've been a happily married couple for two years, and we were a happily unmarried couple for nine years before our wedding day.  In March we decided to start trying.  A big part of why we waited so long to begin was (is) because I'm obese. Ugh, I hate the word obese. Though it's clinically correct it sounds so... well, clinical.  Let's go with Plus-Size, shall we?  Agreed.  I'm Plus-Size, and I really wanted to rock a healthy BMI for at least a year before my body went through a change that is sure to suck all the youth and vigor from my loins.  But one day it dawned on me.  This calorie counting shame spiral I live in could go on forever, but my fertility has a shelf life.  I'd also read a lot of scientific bull that said overweight women have a harder time conceiving than normal weight women.  That might be true for some, but my big ole butt got preggers right away - as in two weeks after I stopped taking the pill.

Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it), that pregnancy practically ended before it began.  Without even making it to the first ultrasound I miscarried.  As far as miscarriages go, it was the best miscarriage ever!  (This is me trying to find humor amongst the devastation of having a miscarriage... how am I doin'?).  I was pregnant for a whole five days before I was sitting in my doctor's office getting the "It's very common" speech.  We waited, tried again, and in June the magic began.

A special slide from the beginning-of-the-year Faculty Jeopardy Game at the school where I teach!

Today I am 13 weeks pregnant.  My goal for this blog is to keep friends and family informed, but it's also to keep myself creative.  I like to make things (other than babies), and I've recently had some sort of a pre-mommy-hood-exsistential-crisis surrounding my creativity (or lack there of).  I don't want to lose the writer, actor, artist, baker side of me just because I'm super busy with breast feeding, bib washing and banana mashing.  If anything, my inner artist should multiply, if not for me, but for the baby.  So far, the only thing I've only managed to do for the baby is take lots of naps, take lots of vitamins and take lots of trips to the potty.

I feel like this post is super scattered.  Is it just me?  Does it matter?  It's the first post, it's okay.  I'm transitioning, right?  Stick with me for a few more.  I promise I won't let you down.

Here we gooooooo!